This is a piece that I wrote around nine months ago.
My accomplishments up to this point have surpassed my expectations in such a small frame of time. This journey may have taken longer than I thought, but I have found happiness, regardless of others.
I’m not scared. I’m fucking terrified of this decision. To even write these words makes my mind well with the ramifications of my words and values.
It’s like I am hiding behind a glass wall. I can see myself through this transparent barrier but society and fear strike me down at the knees. I am weak and filled with anxiety as to what people will think of me. It is ironic and quite hypocritical of me to value uniqueness and individuality when I cannot even come to terms with this issue.
The past nineteen years have not prepared me for this moment. No amount of time would make sense. As I write these words, shaking with a quaking fear in my bones, I will press publish. Because the truth is, I don’t really give a fucking shit what people think of me anymore. That is the value in individuality. Society has no more restraint on me and I will not let it hold me hostage in my own life.
I have people who support me, people who are against me and people who are indifferent. I am finally ready to make this decision. Please. To my friends and family. I understand this might be hard to grasp or comprehend, but I hope you will stand with me, regardless of your views.
Wrestling with a decision like this is completely one sided. One. Two. Three. I’m out.
In my own life I have hidden behind this glass wall, taking on an omnipresent view to my life. I watched myself interact with different friendships, relationships and family members trying to carefully navigate my way through conversations and events, never to hint at my hidden identity. To fear my own individuality is horrifying. I am scared to be myself and that is the hardest part about this decision.
Kris Christou is an identity whom I have crafted for nineteen years of my life and never once have I felt comfortable. I’m scared of the ignorance of others and what they think about people like myself. To think of myself as ‘different‘ is terrifying as defying normalities is frowned upon in the society that we live in. To be an individual and vulnerable in a time like this is so hard.
I have heard people describe my identity as a crime, my presence as a reject, my own birth manifesting defect in my chromosomal make-up, when in reality, I am just me. I am Kris Christou. I am perfectly the same person. I am just different. We are all are. We are all unique. Why is this difference one which runs fear so deep in our veins.
I am a strong believer in vulnerability being a strength of an individual, that it empowers someone to share their experience and story. To be vulnerable and to shatter this glass pane which has trapped me for two decades is so fucking empowering. I have been under the false assumption that hiding my insecurities would give me a sense of strength, when in reality, my vulnerability and honesty with myself has become my new strength.
The perpetuating darkness of this secret has allowed a light to shine inside me which disperses the darkness. I understand that this darkness looms in life where ever I go, I just hope this light will guide me through the right path.
Thank you for reading this, I appreciate it.