These past Two Years

I feel like during these past two years I have done the most growing that I will ever do in my entire life. Through becoming more independent, trying to identify what I want from life being my goals now and trying to unravel the mysterious individual of whom I call me. The bumps, bruises and scratches that I have gotten from this journey will remain with me mentally and physically and I just hope I remember not to make the same mistakes in the future. Always remembering positivity is the key.

What I have realised firstly is that some friendships have to be broken down for you to be happy. Yes, my friends are the most important people to me, some are extremely more important than others. I didn’t realise this until last year when my fight with depression, anger and anxiety reached its breaking point when my father was diagnosed with a brain tumour. As a 17 year old HSC student I was honestly broken. I would sit away from my friends, cry in the bathrooms always saying woe is me. My lowest point was attempting to end my life when one mate helped me through this excruciatingly painful time, and I will always thank him for this. He would always be there for me whenever I needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling and how I could better myself. It helped it did. But in the end it damaged me beyond belief. I would rely on this individual too much. Everytime I would drink I would fall back on him with my problems, I resorted to alcohol to calm my nerves with all of my stresses and anxieties which just made the relationship between us worse. In the end, I’d said to much to him and I didn’t know how to explain myself. The feeling of regret when you open up to much to someone you thought you were close with is excruciating which is why I can’t ever do that again. It’s hard as well, I am an emotional person, and I know that which is kind of ironic in a way. I make myself cry. As our friendship mended and grew however I started to become happier and not rely on him as much as I struggled. Finding the balance between asking and not asking for help. What I realised is that I cannot feel this bonded to someone, so much so that I lose my mind over them and become someone of which I am not. Discovering this was honestly the hardest thing that I have had to overcome this year. The thing that was the catalyst to this was my mate getting a girlfriend. Yes I am jealous that he is spending more time with her, yes I am upset. Because now I’ve realised that I don’t need someone to help me to be happy. I just need to remember that myself.

From this I can move onto better things, I can better myself instead of staying tied down to my mates all the time fighting for their attention and acceptance. My goals are what drive me now. Goals for the second half of 2016? Throughout this year and practically my whole life I have been inspired to make a channel on YouTube, to make content that people will enjoy. Now, after a month I have 450 lovely subscribers of which I have worked so hard for and I hope their is more to come. Instead of pouring my efforts into others I am starting to make myself happy with hobbies which excite me for the future. Being this person who creates content is what I have always wanted to aspire to be like. I can’t explain why, but it just is. I also would like to be able to say at the end of this semester that I haven’t screwed myself like I did in the past with studying and school work (I know nothing’s going to change I just wanted to say it for dramatic effect).

So basically what I have realised is that I need to be me to be happy. And I’m so glad that I know that now.