20 years of secrets

Five days ago I turned twenty and it got me thinking, ‘Have I really grown up that much in a year? Why is 20 of all years celebrated?’

This year has been the year of really discovering who I am as a person, what makes me tick and finding out which people I will be standing with in the future.

It’s too cliche to say that I feel older because I’ve been on this planet one more year than the last, but I feel like I know myself so much better than last year. Every moment I am finding out new things about myself through ambiguity and spontaneousness. Last year, I was afraid of change. Now, I welcome it. I have accomplished so much in this past year, academic, professional and personal things that will all lead me on the path towards the future (no matter how windy it may be).

I’m glad to have friends by my side who support me. Most have stuck around another year, dealing with my incessant idiocy, grindingly painful voice, alcoholic alter ego, stressed out anxiety driven antics and just me growing as a person. Those who have moved on to the bigger and greater things in life, I miss you, we should catch up. It doesn’t hurt to have more friends.

Turning twenty is supposed to mean something right? It’s when you turn into an ‘adult’ leaving those teenage years behind you. What catalysed this change? Because I still feel as helpless as I did when I was thirteen. I guess it’s just that time comes with experience or something? Have I not had enough experience in this world to feel like an adult? Maybe.

As I grow older, move on in the world and sculpt my future, I hope to be more honest with myself. I’ve learned through living as my most honest self that I can be happy (and that the emotional asshole drunk alter ego doesn’t seem to make many more appearances). Secrets may be necessary, but not to keep from everyone.

Twenty things that I love about myself:

  • my ambitions for the future
  • fashion sense (completely perspective driven)
  • my raggedy mop of hair
  • the drive to do something more
  • spontaneousness
  • leaning into the discomfort of life
  • making the decision to surround myself with people who support me
  • coming into my own (finally)
  • being honest with myself (and others)
  • finding a passion that I can run with
  • taking time for myself, embracing the silence and reading a book for once
  • learning to not be scared of authority but play along side it
  • becoming comfortable with my insecurities and turning them into strengths
  • not listening to what others have to say about me, just being me is perfectly fine
  • not always having to rely on the people around me
  • learning that being vulnerable is so important, especially in the quest for finding myself
  • my writing
  • learning how to sass people
  • my body.
  • me

I may not have grown up a lot in this year, but the amount of experiences I’ve had truly make up for that. Cheers to another year of living!