I woke up. Slowly, groggily turned my head towards the buzzing of my phone. Notifications vibrated from my iPhone throughout my bed with the tremors reaching my head. I rubbed my eyes with my hands still extremely tired. My heavy eyelids revealed my eyes and glancing down at my device I realised it was 2:39am. Back to sleep I go.
Usually when I wake up it is from my sister screaming at my mum before she heads of to school for the day.
“I look like a stooge mum!”, “Don’t do my hair like that!”, “If I’m gonna be late why should I even bother!”.
These fights are somewhat comforting in the mornings. Its’ routine. The ruckus gets me up early and forces me to go to bed early. God I sound like an old man.
When I got up from my bed after watching YouTube videos on my phone for literally an hour, I check my Twitter, blog and Facebook. Slowly but surely I pull my heavy body up and out of my bed. I let out a loud cough and feel a heaviness in my chest. I’m still sick, how lovely.
Slowly, I stumble towards the kitchen with my phone in hand, still in my pyjamas and am greeted with an empty house. I put my phone in my pocket and begin to prepare breakfast. Walking towards the pantry, I swing it open and my dog Max circles my feet. He jumps waiting to be pet and greeted for the day. In the most derogatory voice I can muster I say good morning, treat him like an idiot, rub his stomach and he runs off barking at a bike rider.
I go back to preparing my breakfast by grabbing a pack of Weetbix from the pantry and do a swift dance style spin towards the fruit bowl. Banana. With my banana in one hand and bix in the other, I put them both on the bench. I hear my phone buzz.
Whoever it is, they can’t be serious at 9:06 in the morning, I barely function at this time. I sluggishly grab the phone from my pocket and glance at the message and my heart starts to flutter. It’s my friend.
Why is he messaging me? Why now? What does he want? We usually get lunch today but don’t text each other before hand, it’s just assumed knowledge.
“Yo can you send me my phone number?” his text read. Lovely. My fingers danced across the keyboard, coping and pasting his number into the text box and with a flick it was sent…
No response. I went back to getting my water from the fridge and taking my food down to eat in front of the tv in the lounge room. I coughed again.
Should I message him?
An hour had passed. “Lunch?” I wrote simply. I fought with the idea for an hour. I waited patiently for 24 minutes.
“Nah nah bruz.”
I didn’t bother asking why. He seems to do this a lot. I just sat. I had to be at uni soon…
Had I really been sitting for that long? I should go.
So, I got dressed, got prepped and made my drive to university.
It’s funny, usually my mind races in my car which is actually quite intuitive. However, it is a horrible thing to experience. Thinking in your own head for too long can be a detriment to yourself. It was definitely effecting me.
I turned the radio on and sang. I sing in the car. It’s great. I focus on the lyrics and what they mean to me. I am in no way a good singer. But none the less I sing.
An hour of singing never hurt anyone.
“Are you at uni today?”
I read it. I put it away.
“Yo.” he wrote. I wasn’t interested. I was in class. This was my time, you wont butt into this time. You’re apart of everything else just stop.
“Yo.” it appeared again. “Yo.” for the third time. Was he worried or just annoyed? My friends know I’m attached to my phone, maybe he was worried?
My phone starts to buzz in class. I ignore it.
My phone rang throughout class. Not too often, but not often enough.
Finally he wrote “Yo are you at uni today.” I didn’t want to respond.
He didn’t care. He wanted to know if I could play cards tonight. Thats all. Not about how I feel, not about how I’ve been acting. I want him to feel how I felt this afternoon.
What have I done. Have I pushed him too far away? Is he going to hate me? I should call him. I should definitely call him. He’s probably already there with !@#$%^ why do I even try.
I heard the ringing. He answered in a sombre tone, very casual. He said they were there, my heart sank. He said come, nothing about how I was feeling. I sounded upset, he could hear it. I said I would come then hung up.
I feel ill but he draws me in. I want him to protect me, comfort me, but he evokes the opposite feelings. Why do I do it to myself? Why do I put myself out for people who don’t do the same. Just because he cared in the past doesn’t mean he’ll care in the future.
We walked to our cars after cards.
“I didn’t have enough money for lunch, yeah.” he said casually. I’m sorry what.
I held back. Tears, words, angry thoughts.
Don’t have enough money to go to lunch? Fuck off. You know I’ll pay money to see you for just an hour. Do you just not consider me a mate anymore? Why? Because you found something out that I tried to keep a secret? Why did you steal my phone? You didn’t have to see the messages…
I’m jealous of you. Jealous I can’t have you for more time in the day. Please. Can we just go back to the way it was before… Before you found out.
Time spent with people means a lot to me. You of all people should know that.
Time is valuable. Each second could be the difference between falling for someone and a falling out with someone. Why did I have to fall for you.