The perpetuating darkness of a secret

What is a secret? To me it is a concept. A concept which if revealed will break me, smash my person and soul to smithereens. It is information which no-one will ever know because it could destroy the world I have lived in for the past nineteen years of my life. My secrets are extremely valuable and not to be spoken of lightly.

I really like the definition of a secret:

“faithful or cautious in keeping confidential matters confidential; close-mouthed; reticent.” – Dictionary

To have a secret is to have insecurities. My secrets are usually things about myself that I do not wish to share due to the fear and consequences they may result in. The pessimist in me contemplates all the negative ramifications of a secret being leaked and the effects on the relationships I have fostered with my friends. In this way, fear is attributed to my decision of hiding information which makes up who I am. An individual.


Source: Pinterest

This has made me realise that I am quite hypocritical in thinking that individuality is a value that has been relevant throughout my life and past decisions (see my post on Individuality). It is my choice to have secrets. These secrets shape who I am as a person, and I am fearful that ‘this person’ will drive people away. But I guess that’s just who I am. To protect myself and those close to me, I keep secrets. That makes me unique, right?

I’m sure other people don’t put this much ‘value‘ into secrets. That it won’t affect their psyche and their persona too much. I place secrets into a higher category.

Why does a secret have this much power over me? Because fear drives my thoughts.

This fear was realised recently. Someone discovered a secret buried deep inside me, locked with a key that I threw into the darkness so no-one could find it. The implications of this secret could change my life forever depending on what people do with this ‘valuable’ information. This is what I fear. Losing control of my secrets means losing control of who I am as a person and how I am perceived. It results in people spreading this information and then isolating me due to the fear that I may be different to them.

I fear standing out ‘too much’.


Source: Pinterest.


Information is power in this world. Sadly, I’m conforming to this ideology. In a world where knowledge about individuals in your direct communication group is power, it is all the more important to keep information about yourself secret. In a world where everyone knows everything about everyone, secrets become a part of you, connected to you like a magnet.

I even kept my earrings a secret as I was fearful of what my friends would think. I hid behind a beanie for two weeks until I became more comfortable and revealed them. Each friend had a different reaction. This is what I’m afraid of.

I’m scared of what others think.

I believe that the perpetuating darkness of my unlocked secrets will envelop me, creating a shadow far greater then my existing one. My image and people’s perceptions of me is what appears in my nightmares.


Source: Pinterest

Although people have found out about this secret. The ramifications of this information being leaked have not yet resulted in an instant stoning or lynching which is nice. I believe there will be ramifications, and it will result in a route change in my life. Relationships may be severed, opportunities may be lost. However, that is a part of life, and moving on and accepting myself will add to my valuing and the validity of my own individuality.

I did sign up for this. I did say I would be krising and chrossing through life and going with the flow. I didn’t know this rollercoaster could have so many loops, twists and turns.

BCM311 manifests a writing bug inside me. I feel so inspired to spill my feelings into my keyboard and write about life experiences. I couldn’t be happier. I feel as though I am learning more about myself the more I write. It is exciting, intriguing and a tad scary reading these words over again and seeing how far I have come (in terms of writing) in the past three weeks. I am excited for the future. Hopefully, one day I won’t need to have secrets and can become an individual who is not fearful of what others think.