What is a secret? To me it is a concept. A concept which if revealed will break me, smash my person and soul to smithereens. It is information which no-one will ever know because it could destroy the world I have lived in for the past nineteen years of my life. My secrets are extremely valuable and not to be spoken of lightly.
I really like the definition of a secret:
“faithful or cautious in keeping confidential matters confidential; close-mouthed; reticent.” – Dictionary
To have a secret is to have insecurities. My secrets are usually things about myself that I do not wish to share due to the fear and consequences they may result in. The pessimist in me contemplates all the negative ramifications of a secret being leaked and the effects on the relationships I have fostered with my friends. In this way, fear is attributed to my decision of hiding information which makes up who I am. An individual.
This has made me realise that I am quite hypocritical in thinking that individuality is a value that has been relevant throughout my life and past decisions (see my post on Individuality). It is my choice to have secrets. These secrets shape who I am as a person, and I am fearful that ‘this person’ will drive people away. But I guess that’s just who I am. To protect myself and those close to me, I keep secrets. That makes me unique, right?
I’m sure other people don’t put this much ‘value‘ into secrets. That it won’t affect their psyche and their persona too much. I place secrets into a higher category.
Why does a secret have this much power over me? Because fear drives my thoughts.
This fear was realised recently. Someone discovered a secret buried deep inside me, locked with a key that I threw into the darkness so no-one could find it. The implications of this secret could change my life forever depending on what people do with this ‘valuable’ information. This is what I fear. Losing control of my secrets means losing control of who I am as a person and how I am perceived. It results in people spreading this information and then isolating me due to the fear that I may be different to them.
I fear standing out ‘too much’.
Information is power in this world. Sadly, I’m conforming to this ideology. In a world where knowledge about individuals in your direct communication group is power, it is all the more important to keep information about yourself secret. In a world where everyone knows everything about everyone, secrets become a part of you, connected to you like a magnet.
I even kept my earrings a secret as I was fearful of what my friends would think. I hid behind a beanie for two weeks until I became more comfortable and revealed them. Each friend had a different reaction. This is what I’m afraid of.
I’m scared of what others think.
I believe that the perpetuating darkness of my unlocked secrets will envelop me, creating a shadow far greater then my existing one. My image and people’s perceptions of me is what appears in my nightmares.
Although people have found out about this secret. The ramifications of this information being leaked have not yet resulted in an instant stoning or lynching which is nice. I believe there will be ramifications, and it will result in a route change in my life. Relationships may be severed, opportunities may be lost. However, that is a part of life, and moving on and accepting myself will add to my valuing and the validity of my own individuality.
I did sign up for this. I did say I would be krising and chrossing through life and going with the flow. I didn’t know this rollercoaster could have so many loops, twists and turns.
BCM311 manifests a writing bug inside me. I feel so inspired to spill my feelings into my keyboard and write about life experiences. I couldn’t be happier. I feel as though I am learning more about myself the more I write. It is exciting, intriguing and a tad scary reading these words over again and seeing how far I have come (in terms of writing) in the past three weeks. I am excited for the future. Hopefully, one day I won’t need to have secrets and can become an individual who is not fearful of what others think.