Foreword: I came across this draft of a blog post as I was cleaning out my WordPress. It was from around 3 months ago when I was struggling to find out who I was as an individual, seeking my happiest self.
Since then it has been a arduous journey, but, I have found a more content version of myself. Sometimes it’s a struggle to put your fate into other peoples hands, entrusting them with secrets is extremely risky, however, rewarding.
We all need someone to talk to in times of need, when we need help mentally, physically or any ‘ally’, we are a kind that has a need to belong. And even if we don’t, if we have the support of our loved ones and friends, there shouldn’t be any need for a pursuit of happiness.
Gladly, for now, I will say that my pursuit for happiness has ended. That just goes to show you that not everything that appears to be endless goes on forever.
I have friends, I have family, I have a passion and have goals for the future. What I do not have however is a sense of happiness that makes all of these entities worth it.
For the longest time I have been unhappy with who I am, what I have been doing with my life and the choices I have been making. This is not to say that my degree, internships and studies have been anything short of amazing, I have just not been happy within them because of feelings that plague me. Doubt, uncertainity and fear are reoccurring nightmares that I have not yet woken up from.
How do we measure happiness? With materialistic objects? Experiences? Money? I believe my own sense of happiness resonates with my image, my relationships and connections and the strength of specific relationships which I care about. So I guess you could pin that down to money and experiences.
My unhappiness can be attributed to many things. However, none more so then my current feelings towards the relationships which I have with people around me. Of course we joke, poke fun, laugh, but sometimes I get a bit sick of it. It makes me writhe in pain, at the sheer thought of ‘Do they really think that?’. In life, perception is reality, and if these are the things people associate with me, should I really stand for it any longer?
I understand I give it back, but when I do, I feel extremely lonely, I never have an ally in these situations. I feel like this correlates to who everyone feels closest with. Who everyone can trust…
Where I’m at now, I don’t know if I can trust anyone.
There are secrets that I hold which I won’t and could never share with people. That would be my happiness, to share these secrets, to revel in them and, in the end, to not fear them or myself.
This realisation that in my own mind trust correlates to happiness is quite shocking. I guess it resonates with my experiences of always lacking someone I could truly rely on, an individual who always had my back. To say I’m not ‘happy’ because I do not ‘trust’ anyone would make sense, right?
It’s interesting how in our minds, we are stripped bare of any common sense and insecurity, anxiety and melancholy take shape. They then feed on our emotions, manifesting in monsters that seem heavier than trucks, pulling us into the deep abyss which is our inner-most thoughts and unhappiness.
I’ve never thought of myself as an unhappy person. However, I never thought of myself as a writer either.
Life suprises us sometimes, it is these suprises that I live for in the hope that one day, I will find someone that I trust. I hope that one day, I can be happy not only with the world that I live in and have crafted for myself, but become happy with myself. Because, really, the only trust I should need is my own.